Have I hooked you? Are you all wondering what I've done that's SO BAD that i should feel guilty. What is it about someones downfall that seems so attractive we just have to know?
Dreaming up the post titles, i feel like a newspaper editor. What title can i come up with that will hook the reader and make them want to read the latest news, or article. Is there a picture that i can put that will draw you in? Did it work? Do you do this too?
I digress, or is it that i deflect you away from my original thought and that is that I AM GUILTY.
What is guilt? I've spent quite a bit of time on this word and that other word - Shame. What's the difference between these two emotional responses?
Focus - who i am
Source - damaged heart
Target - My identity
Perception - something is wrong with me, i am a mistake, i am worthless
Focus - what i did
Source - moral awareness
Target - behaviour, choices
Perception - I did a wrong thing, I made a mistake.
So which one am i feeling right now. Probably a little of both. What do i do now?
Well all the best books tell me that is should just acknowledge to myself, and if necessary others (so this is what i am doing now) my behaviour or choice that i made that 'I' think is wrong and also to acknowledge that I'm not a bad person because i made that bad choice (in my opinion).
AM I DRIVING YOU CRAZY YET?
OK, so here it is - I use packet mixes!!!!!
There it is, its out there. Sometimes its cake mixes and some times it spice blends in sauces and other times it plain old ready made.
PHEW! I do feel strangely relieved !
I read all these blogs from so many wonderful and capable women and men that are spinning their own fibres, home baking bread and making pasta and cheese, grinding their own flour, creating their own energy and articulating their thoughts into interesting posts. They are doing it ALL and looking good while they do it (no doubt). Oh and don't forget that they are all budding photographers capable of making the most mundane of tasks look so attractive and the latest craze. I mean no disrespect, im envious.
At this point I should say that NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY OR HAVE SHAME except yourself. You alone control your feelings and emotions and how you respond to things.
I feel guilty (because i allow myself to) for the short cuts i have to take to get it all done. I know that a certain blogger (Rhonda) would say to give myself a break and that this is just a stage and that perhaps at another time in my life ill be able to live life the way that feels true to me. She's such a wise woman.
So what was my most recent crime that I'm feeling guilt over but also a certain amount of smugness?
I got home from work about 6pm last night and was expecting a guest for dinner in 30 minutes. Lucky for me and totally unplanned (since we had only made arrangements during the day) I had pulled about 8 chicken drumsticks (bought from wholesaler at $3/kg) out of the freezer the night before. At 7am I quickly browned the legs and threw them into slow cooker. I grabbed my guilt ridden packet mix of butter chicken sauce, mixed it with a can of coconut cream (am I suppose to make that too?), put it on the slow setting for the next 6 hours and then went to work thinking id use them over the weekend sometime. So when I got home, I boiled a kettle (to cut down time) put on some rice and while that was cooking I took one of my own zucchinis from the garden (massive) made big cubes and gently fried them golden. Think, Think Think... all that is a bit mushy so for texture I grabbed down some peanuts and put them under a rolling pin. The result was sensational, if I do say so myself and I can’t show you a photo because it hit the table and was gone in a moment. I presented it in a white deep quiche dish inside a silver stand with the rice on the bottom, the lovely falling apart chicken in a thick smooth rich spicy sauce next, then the cubed zucchini with peanuts sprinkled on top and a fresh garden salad on the side.
So here comes the guilt part. When you are asked "did you make all this?" What do you say? Yes? Did I? Not technically. I didn’t get out a hundred and one spices and a mortar and pestle and blend it all up to a paste and cook it off and then make a butter sauce. The lovely people at Passage Foods did that. So yes, I confessed to using a packet mix sauce with some extras and guess what? No lightening bolt came down from the Goddess of Domesticity (not even Nigella) and hit me on the head and my guest didn’t look aghast that I would do such a thing. All she said was Yum!
PS - The leftovers tasted even better for lunch the next day.
PS. One day ill show you what i can do to a packet mix cake. I only do this when pushed for a dozen cakes at a time (which i have been known to do) and only with a lot of guilt.
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