God and Lawn Care

This popped into my inbox from Noelle.  It all sound pretty ridiculous, doesn't it.

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank,  ...  You know all about gardens and nature. What in

the world is going on down there on the planet?  What

happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff

I started eons ago?   I had a perfect no-maintenance garden

plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand

drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the

long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and

flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of

colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
   It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.

They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to

great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
   Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't

attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod

worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these

Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
   Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it

and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing

grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
   The spring rains and warm weather probably make

grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
   Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they

cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
   They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
   Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
   They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
   No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:   Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so

it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off

and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
   Yes, Sir.

GOD:
   These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer

when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.

That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
   You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass

stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay

more money to water it, so they can continue to mow

it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
   What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.

That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.

The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty

and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to

the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture

in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a

natural cycle of life. 

ST. FRANCIS:   You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have

drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they

rake them into great piles and pay to have them

hauled away.

GOD:
   No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and

tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
   After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy

something which they call mulch. They haul it home

and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
   And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
   They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
   Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie

have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:   'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....   GOD:
   Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story

from St. Francis.